


Unlikely as a Gundark in a Tutu

by ImperialRemnant



Series: Shenanigans of the Force Kind [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars - Sequel Trilogy, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Gen, Other, Randomness, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-17
Updated: 2015-11-17
Packaged: 2018-05-02 02:56:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5231273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImperialRemnant/pseuds/ImperialRemnant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kylo attempts to get a Gundark into a tutu. Phasma and Hux aren't quite happy about it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unlikely as a Gundark in a Tutu

**Author's Note:**

> I'm doing a 30 days of Force Awakens before The Force Awakens and this is the first part. I really wanted to write Force Awakens fics and unfortunately we don't know anything about the character personalities, so it just ended up being complete shenanigans.
> 
> I haven't got a beta/editor so any confusing writing/mistakes are my fault and something I haven't noticed (Sorry in advance). 
> 
> Enjoy!

“I will finish what you started,” Kylo Ren spoke to himself… or, well, maybe to Vader through the force or something we may never know. What Kylo didn’t know, however, was that Captain Phasma walked up right behind him, overhearing his speech.  
  
“Finish what?” She asked causing the knight to jump and pull his lightsaber out, ready for battle, nearly cutting his hand off with the two small blade things sticking from the side.  
  
“I will finish what Vader started,” Kylo elaborated, “at least, that’s what’s implied on the official trailer.”  
  
“Yes, of course, but what exactly did Vader start? Are you planning on bringing Senator Amidala back from the dead? Save people from dying? Rule the galaxy with Luke Skywalker?”  
  
“ALL OF IT!” Kylo yelled, hands flying up (along with his lightsaber, almost cutting off _Phasma’s_ hand this time).  
  
Captain Phasma remained silent a moment, wondering how to reply to such a ridiculous notion, “That sounds as unlikely as… a… a gundark wearing a tutu.”  
  
Now it was Kylo’s turn to say nothing, wondering how he could prove possible to do all that. But if a gundark in a tutu was what she wanted, a gundark in a tutu she would get! “Nay, dear captain. I have the most kool idea!”  
  
“Why is cool spelt with a k?” Phasma inquired.  
  
“I was trying to make a pun with Kylo and something meaning awesome but I’m just awful at puns.”  
  
Captain Phasma sighed, becoming most weary of whatever idea Kylo had now. Couldn’t be any worse than the incident involving an astromech and bust of Emperor Palpatine which ended up a planet wide disaster. Not to mention lead into another battle with the resistance…with the First Order losing. But suppose it better than the situation with Snoke in a bantha onesie and a commander ending up dead after Kylo offered them his lightsaber.  
  
It was those weird force damn handles.  
  
Makes one wonder how any of this happened. Suppose it her fault really. Phasma always ended up saying the most ridiculous thing and he tries them. A thought which made Captain Phasma’s stomach turn. If he’s about to put a tutu on a gundark she was prepared to shoot him dead.  
  
“Come along, Captain!” Kylo was out of the bridge, walk with a bounce, lightsaber swinging. Phasma followed, quite reluctant.

***

Where in the ever loving fuck they had managed to get a gundark from stumped Phasma. But when they came to the planet’s surface, there it was, in a pit it couldn’t possibly climb out of. A great hulking monster, the gundark was about three metres tall, an abnormally large gundark. Throwing around its four arms, trying to get out of the pit, banging at the sides. The pit was deep, but if it got out a few metres along the gundark would be blocked by smooth metallic walls twenty metres high. And the doors (if it could use doors) small enough so it couldn’t exit.  
  
If the situation wasn’t worse enough already, Kylo had insisted everyone helping out had to wear a tutu, revealing a collection of them in several colours. And force-dammit if Phasma didn’t get one the same colour as her armour. If she was going to wear a tutu it would look bloody good.  
  
Kylo, on the other hand, had it easy. He wore all black so any colour he wore would look fine. But why he had chosen pink was beyond Phasma. Although he insisted it wasn’t pink, but a razzmatazz, with light falu trimming, and cerise and mauve glitter. To Phasma it was a glittery pink tutu, but whatever.  
  
Other than the two of them, the few troopers, and Knights of Ren who decided to help out, only the gundark remained tutu-less.  
  
“I had a tutu especially designed for the gundark,” Kylo explained, a Tie Fighter lowering itself overhead, modified so a larger tutu could be attached to the bottom.  
  
“Where did you get these tutus in such a short amount of time?” Phasma asked, shocked, watching the gundark trying to run away from the impending tutu being lowered over its head.  
  
“Always pays to be prepared!” Kylo answered. The gundark reached up to grab hold of the tutu, pulling it to the ground with the ship still attached to it. Pulling the ship onto the pit ground, the gundark stomped on it, crushing the TIE fighter, pilot still aboard.  
  
Everyone stared.  
  
The ship crushed, tutu being torn apart, its shredded pieces surrounding the gundark. Kylo remained optimistic as ever, “Time for plan B! Or as I like to say Kypla… no, plyro… Renplan…” Kylo presumably twisted his face (one could never tell under a mask), concentrating harder than he ever had in his life (if only he did in battle). He gave up, saying “Bring in the spare! I’ll use the force!”  
For fucks sake.

***

Phasma hated to say it, but this time it went better. The ship stayed far out of the pit, Kylo sitting down, arms up, eyes closed, moving the tutu down. His own tutu getting dirty from being in the grime (sure they were on an ice planet, but some major heaters were on nearby walls melting the snow and instead they got mud). But so adamant to get a tutu on a gundark, Kylo didn’t care.  
The gundark, becoming restless again, watched with unease another tutu being lowered.  
  
“Somebody stop the gundark from moving!” Kylo yelled to his Knights. They appeared reluctant, or as reluctant as anyone in a mask could look. Too late. The gundark went wild and ripped the tutu apart again.  
  
Kylo sighed with frustration, standing up, “And I got my tutu dirty for nothing!”  
  
A trooper in a yellow tutu came up to them and said, “Sirs, General Hux wishes to see you.”  
  
Phasma heard Kylo puff, then say “Inform the General one must wear a tutu when entering the area!”  
  
From somewhere around them they heard, “I am not wearing a tutu!”  
  
But Kylo, being Kylo, threw his arms up, yelling out to the troopers, “Somebody get this man a tutu!”

***

General Hux joined them a few moments later wearing a dark green tutu.  
  
“You are here at my base,” General Hux said, exasperated, “The last thing I need you doing is…” he wavered off, staring down at the pathetic scene. The gundark sat in its pit, surrounded by ripped pieces of clothing- the tutu. Everyone standing around or near the pit wore colourful array of the attire.  
  
The gundark let out a whine.  
  
“I don’t care what you’re doing,” Hux said, “Just, kill the goddamn thing and get back to the fleet, you’re needed for a mission.”  
  
“Now there’s an idea!” Kylo pulled his lightsaber out. He jumped into the pit, activating the lightsaber. Before the gundark could react, Kylo had stabbed it in the heart. As quick as he jumped in, he jumped out.  
  
Everyone stared.  
  
“Somebody put a tutu on this gundark!” Kylo yelled out. His fellow Knights moved to obey. Kylo turned off his lightsaber, attaching it back to his belt. He put his hands on his hips, puffing his chest, “Kylo Ren is Krill…Ant. Kawe…Some. Uhh…Never mind.”  
  
Hux looked ready to kill him, “Ren, I”m reporting you to Snoke. And hope I don’t see you again until I have to or there will be spice mines to pay.”  
  
Kylo put his hand up to object, but Hux was already out of there, ripping his tutu off, yelling something to a nearby trooper to take off his preposterous poofy puffed petticoat (say it real fast), and follow him.  
  
“Well that’s not good,” Kylo said, watching Hux leave.  
  
Captain Phasma was grinning under her helmet, feeling giddy, “Looks like _Kylo_ better… _lie-low_.”  
  
It earned her sighs and groans from all around, and no words from Kylo who just glared.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! <3 Please leave a review if you want, or a kudos!


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